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The Senate Wants to Help

Recognizing that obesity is a growing epidemic in America, and also recognizing the number of people who live in “food deserts” and suffer from nutritional deficits, the U.S. Senate took action. Senator Harry Reid, along with co-sponsors Barbara Boxer and Chuck Schumer, today introduced a bill that is aimed at helping people eat nutritional, healthy meals, and control their weight.

“People today are eating far too poorly,” said Reid. “It is imperative that we do something, for the sake of our children and their children. No longer can America tolerate the eating habits that have brought our country to the brink of destruction. Heart disease, diabetes, metabolic disorders are far more threatening than terrorists. Therefore, I have introduced a bill that will address these issues, so that Americans can continue to lead the world into the 21st Century.”

The bill, entitled “The Constantly Observing Nutritional Trends and Reducing Obesity Legally Act,” has two main parts.

The first is a requirement that every person or family at or above the poverty line buy at least one box of Total brand breakfast cereal weekly. If a family or person cannot document, through itemized receipts, the required number of purchases, they will face a “penalty” equal to three times the average retail cost of a year’s supply of Total times the number of people in their family unit. Should a family be able to document the purchases, no penalty will attach.

Part one of the act also amends certain parts of the ACA, also known as Obamacare. The amendment requires that each person, whether or not covered by any insurance, submit to testing by a licensed health care practitioner to determine their level of nutritional sufficiency. A failure to obtain and maintain nutritional sufficiency, as determined by the Secretary of HHS, will incur a penalty to be determined by the Secretary of the Treasury.

The second part of the act requires health care insurers to document a patients weight and height, and reduce those measurements to a “Body Mass Index.”  Such index, in the event it indicates obesity even marginally, will be used to determine a penalty, again, determined by the Secretary of the Treasury. The Secretary of HHS is empowered by this act to offer such subsidies for weight-loss programs as he or she determines is in the best interests of the nation.

President Obama has signaled his complete support for this bill, saying that, “Anyone who opposes this act is obviously a shill for the Twinkie and Coca Cola lobbyists, and wishes to see Americans die of heart attacks.”

Chris Matthews opined “anyone who opposes Obama on this bill is obviously a racist and loves fat people.” Piers Morgan chimed in, too: “ I don’t understand American’s fascination with guns.” Rachel Maddow echoed the President’s remarks, adding, “opposition to this bill comes from the Coke brothers, and we need to kill them.”

Congressional staffers have been reportedly wondering “what the hell?” When questioned, Speaker Boehner’s legislative aide suggested that the Speaker would probably vote against the bill, and refuse to fund it.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. Anonymous
    October 5, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Are you writing for the Onion now? This is very clever and more true than one would want to admit.

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